Monday, April 28, 2014

Land lines still work

As hard as I wish I could, I just can't make this shit up.

My toddler -- who is now almost 22 months old -- loves to play with our phone. The house phone. (Yes, we still have one of those things called a "land-line.") And I let her. Why not? We're so cheap here the "land-line" can only dial our own area code so it's virtually useless. It's more for looks, or nostalgia, or because I just need one more thing on the kitchen counter.

So she's playing with the phone and I'm cleaning up the kitchen for the 17th time that day when she comes in saying, "Dada. Dada. Dada."

"Awww, isnt she sweet? She wants to call her dad! I can't wait to tell him this tonight, but I'll probably forget." --This is what's going through my head as I take the phone from her and ask, "Do you want to call Daddy? Ok, let's call him."

I put the phone to my ear and realize someone's on the line, "Hello?"

"Yes this is the [our town] police. We're about to dispatch a car. Is everything okay?"

"What?!?!?" That's exactly what I say and it sounds a lot like the skit that Dave Chappelle did on his old show where he just says "What? What?"

"You dialed 9-1-1, so we're going to dispatch a car."

"What?!?!" I get a hold of my senses here, "Oh my god, that was my daughter. She's a toddler. She must have dialed 9-1-1. I didnt even think this was possible on this phone!"

Before we hang up, I tell my kids -- in my nicest voice here because I don't want them dispatching a car -- "No more playing with the phone!"

Two seconds later we get a call from 9-1-1 making sure we're okay because "we received a call and heard two small children..." I can only imagine what they heard.

Thank goodness I found "Aha! Parenting" and I don't yell anymore.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Failed pizza dough is fun

A few weeks ago, we wanted to make pizza and as I had made pizza dough in the past to raved reviews I dug out the very old yeast packet out of the pantry and went straight to work.


Two hours later, the dough looked exactly how it did when I threw it in the bowl with a thud. It hadn't risen and gotten all pouffy and yeasty and pizza-dough like.


Mad as shit -- but not as mad as my husband who had to drive to three stores to find Boboli -- I threw it on the table (another thud) and told the kids to have fun, which they did with all their play dough accoutrements (or just pounding it with their fists like my son in the photo above). 


"Mom, what is this?!?" My son asked excitedly. 
"It's dinner." I replied.

One of these days these kids will get sarcasm better than Colbert.

Friday, April 11, 2014

M-O-M Taxi at your service

My preschooler gets in the car after 2-1/2 hours at school and asks, "Where are we going now?"

I look around to see who he's talking to, and realize it's me. When did this car become a taxi-cab? 

I know, I'm just like every other mom complaining about being chauffeurs to their kids, but I feel like a cabbie. A chauffeur gets to wear a hat and the passengers are drinking champagne in the backseat. A cabbie, on the other hand, can't wait to close the bullet-proof partition.

In the Flinstone car, not mine.
Is a SAHM-life a life of carting kids to & fro? Was that in the fine print at the bottom that I ignored forgot to read? 

Despite having small kids (as in, my daughter is still a toddler and doesn't do anything) , I still haul buns around town with a son who goes to preschool 4 mornings a week for a mere 2-1/2 hours. I am spending way too much time in my car and I'm getting "bucket-seat ass"  -- a very close but less glamorous cousin to the famed "secretary butt." I can't even imagine what life will be like when I have to haul both of them to school (because we live 1/4mile away from the bus zone).

Ahhh sleeping kids in the car
I turn around and look my angel in the face and answer, "We're going home." 

Caligula emerges and screams "I don't want to go home!!!" and wakes up his sleeping sister who then starts to wail and now M-O-M Taxi  -- who right now would love to slam the plastic partition and crank up WXRT -- has to haul home 2 screaming passengers.

And they don't even tip me. 

Friday, April 4, 2014

"What are you doing?"

This is the annoying question that makes my blood boil. It's always asked by the same person -- my husband -- and always when I'm doing the same thing -- checking my phone. Grrrr.

It just happened a few nights ago. We're in the car. I'm in the passenger seat with nothing to do I might as well be on vacation, so I check my phone. "What are you doing?" What do you want me to say? "I'm texting Sven (my fake boyfriend) that you'll be out of town and does he want to visit?"

Doesn't anyone respect the privacy that goes on between a person and their phone? What I'm doing is none of your business as long as the house is not on fire or the kids aren't being chased down the street by wild dogs. In those 2 cases, you can ask me what I'm doing and then point out the burning house or dog chase down the street. Otherwise, leave me alone.

The kids not being chased by wild dogs
What am I doing? I dunno, take your pick!

1. I'm on freaking Facebook.
2. I'm on freaking Pinterest.
3. I'm checking email.
4. I'm buying things we can't afford.
5. I'm on my "Time of the month" app finding out if it's soon to be the time of the month and that's why I'm such a raving lunatic bitch right now ready to chew your head off for asking me "What are you doing?"

What I'm not doing

1. Playing stupid games
2. Checking the NCAA tournament
3. Checking fantasy golf
4. Sending dumb texts about koala the pirate (total inside joke)
5. Checking the weather for the 100th time today when one can just stick their head outside and feel that it's freaking cold.

So please, let me just enjoy Sven my phone in peace & quiet. No more questions. Thank you. I love you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Indoor Snow

So I've done it. I've hit the jackpot with the laziest mom hands-on activity for my kids ever.

I realize I'm a little late posting this -- we did this on March 6th and now it's April and all our snow has melted. But maybe you're reading this from Saskatchewan, I dunno, and it's still relevant.

Instructions:
  1. Must be winter (or spring if you live in Chicago) and must snow
  2. Go outside, fill bowl with snow - avoid yellow snow
  3. Give it to your kids who will be waiting with baited breath
  4. If you're feeling up to it, add some food coloring.
  5. You're done. Pour a glass of wine (or vodka, depending on your day)
It can't get any easier than this and the kids loved it. They're not keen about sticking their hand in snow outside, but in a bowl with food dye -- that's a different story.

Lazy mom strikes again!