The complicated toaster and the people who use them

My mom bought us a new toaster for Christmas. When I opened it, I told her it felt like I was getting married. Toasters are soooo Bridal Shower, aren't they? Along with the blender. 

So we set up the toaster today, my husband and I, like newlyweds + the background of kids screaming for their dinner, and I figured I could just plug it in, stick in a frozen waffle and the kids would be nourished. Looks like these items have gotten high tech and come with directions - aka a 10-page user manual that actually contains four (4) lined pages for "notes."

Like I'm at a toaster convention and I need to jot down the best setting for my pumpernickel.

So for shits and giggles, I read it outloud starting with Step 1: remove the toaster from the packaging.

It reminded me of when my mom told me that newspapers are written at a 5th grade level. Toaster manuals are written for people who time traveled here from the year 1620.

I think we can safely assume that if you managed to pull out the directions from where they were hiding, chances are you've already taken the toaster out of the box.

Engrossed in all the different possible toast-concoctions and completely ignoring my kids pleads for food, I went straight to Frequently Asked Questions. 

A memorizing array of choices ...

I have a FAQ! Do you really think anyone is taking notes on your toaster? And you omitted the toast instructions for pumpernickel!

FAQ 1: My toast isn't toasting? Answer: have you checked to make sure the toaster is plugged in? Have you pressed down the lever? Have you taken the toaster out of the box?

FAQ 2: I like to spread my toast with peanut butter and then pop it in the toaster to melt a little. Is this okay? Answer: No. You are the reason offices have banned toasters from the tiny office kitchen. You are probably the same person who steals other peoples yogurt from the communal fridge.

The fact that this made it to the FAQ #2 spot right ahead of "what do I do now, my bread is jammed in the toaster!?" frightens me on the state of toaster-users across America. If you want to melt your PB that's what a microwave oven is for.

Now that's a manual I need to get my hands on!

Festivus!

It's Festivus and time for the the annual "Airing of Grievences!"

via cdn2.sbnation.com

 Now my airing of grievances -- surprise surprise -- could last all week and while so many do deal with my dear relatives, I decided to focus on one particular Grievence, not involving a "near & dear", of which I shall Air on this blog post.

Dear former Dentist,

Thank you for taking care of my teeth for the past 12 years and for selling your practice to a new dentist who gave me the heebie jeebies which sent me out in search of a new dentist. This new dentist was shocked that I had so many of my mercury fillings from grade school (ahem, 30 year old fillings) still in my mouth and took pictures showing all the decay around them. She also noticed a lot of other things ...

So thank you for doing such a bang-up job on my teeth these last 10 years when I had superb dental insurance, such as letting my teeth decay under 30 year old fillings. Now I have to have them all replaced under our new dental insurance that acts like it's a 10% off coupon.

Thank you and have a happy Festivus,

Unhappy smile

Am I in the wrong for being totally pissed off?  When a dentist tells you, "You're teeth look great!" you walk out with a skip in your step that you don't have to go back until 6 months later. When they do a filling, it gets done and you don't know if they failed to remove a mercury filling a millimeter away -- as my new dentist said, "You're tooth was numb, why not just remove the old filling?"

Grrr. Happy Festivus to you all!